For this child we prayed.
Amazingly.
Incredibly.
Blessed.
We are being trusted with another soul to train for the kingdom of God.
Overwhelmed?
Sometimes.
But mostly we stand in AWE.
God knows the desires of our hearts – and fills our desires so much better than we ever could ourselves.
To Get Real
When our 4 children are being rambunctious in the evenings . . .jumping off the couch to the cushions scattered across the floor . . . hollering and whooping the whole way, Al and I look at each other and wonder. Just how ARE we going to keep up with all of them . . .are we REALLY going to have another one?
Then we have those delightful moments of life. Mom tackles Dad to the bed. The children see the fun and pounce on us, too. We tip them off amidst all the laughter and squeals of delight – only to have another child jump on the pile to be dumped off.
Then, in the middle of the fun, we remember we soon get to have another little Bontrager!
But through it all – the ups and the downs of our emotions, we recognize our children as a gift and we marvel at the goodness of God.
“Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them …”(Psalms 127:5)
A Change
A few days after writing the above draft to a blog post, I got up only to discover I was spotting. Bright red.
Oh, how the heart sinks, and waves of dread were over me! Flashbacks of another pregnancy. And Loss.
Is there hope? Can it be different this time?
I call the midwife. And wait for her to return my call. It feels like a long wait.
I know I need to be resting and drinking lots – so try to do that along with directing 4 young children to fend for themselves for breakfast.
They had buttered toast.
I told the children I was not feeling well.
They didn’t understand all the tears.
How I dreaded explaining to them the possible loss of our tiny baby that we were all looking forward to. Yet, I felt they needed to be prepared.
I explained my sickness was because our tiny baby in mommy’s tummy was sick – it’s different than when they get sick. Telling them that our baby might die, and that makes Mommy really sad.
Walden (5) just crawled up beside me on my chair and silently sat beside me for a long time.
Amber (4) had more questions. How do you know? What made the baby sick?
Talking to the midwife, she tries to be as positive as we can, but also shares the reasons for bleeding, mostly what I already know.
But there is a thread of hope.
We scooped up the family and went to town for an ultrasound.
Dreading what we may find out – yet clinging to that thread of hope. . .Maybe, just maybe we will hear a heartbeat.
The Ultrasound Technician is professional and kind. He explains what he is seeing on the screen.
Baby’s sac is measuring 7 weeks, 5 days. I thought I was over 9 weeks along.
Dates can be off.
Still, a thread of hope.
Since that was not enough evidence with a topical ultrasound, we move to internal.
Baby only measures 6 weeks.
No blood flow.
No Heartbeat.
More tears.
Walking out of the ultrasound room, the technician, still kindly professional and wanting to console me, made a comment on the large, lovely family I have.
Yes, I quietly agree. And smile crookedly.
But inside my heart is screaming –
I WANT THIS CHILD! This child is who I am grieving for.
Pain
How do you explain the pain in your heart? There is a depth of feelings in my heart that I don’t even have words for.
Tears.
Many, many tears.
Sighs and shudders that come from the depths of my Mothers heart.
The loss.
Gone.
To never hear that tiny heartbeat.
Or have those tender kicks in your tummy as baby grows.
Never to hold.
Would have the blankets been blue? Or pink?
That brand-new smell of a newborn.
Sweet baby cuddles.
Milk dribbles on the chin.
Crooked smiles. Tiny giggles.
The loss of not seeing my older children love and hold a new sibling.
Memories that never happened.
Grace – God’s Grace
Somehow I stumbled through the evening, and the family’s needs.
The children are also processing all this.
Amber has been the most vocal.
“What size is our baby in heaven?”
“Is our baby buried?”
“How does it get to heaven?”
I have been amazed at how well the children have accepted this loss. Another way God show’s Himself strong in the hearts of our children.
Woke the next morning to a full miscarriage.
New physical pain. And loss.
But God’s grace is there.
Acceptance begins to come.
There are details we are thankful for.
The children are trying to help. Bless their little loving, tender hearts.
Neighbors and friends show the love of Christ by bringing meals. And Praying.
Also thankful I did not have a long wait to miscarry. There was no hemorrhaging like my previous baby lost through miscarriage. A renewal of strength.
Knowing the Lord is walking beside us – even carrying us through this trial, this pain. He is the God of all comfort. (II Cor 1:2-5)
Do I understand?
No. Why is life given, and so quickly taken again?
I have asked Why a lot. I know the principle that death was not God’s original, perfect plan when He created the world. That sin brought death.
It just hurts.
But I don’t have to understand.
I simply need to trust. The Lord is faithful to carry me through.
I wonder. Will we some day in eternity understand? Will our tiny baby have a story to tell? How has God been glorified in this little life?
What DO tiny babies look like in heaven?
Heaven just got sweeter.
~Sheila
Amber: Will God ever give us another baby?
Mom: I don’t know, Amber.
Amber: I hope it’s a girlie.
I am 46. Had two miscarriages in a row, now. It’s looking like it would be a miracle for us to have another baby.
We like miracles. 🙂
